Human beings are social beings and we are interacting with men and women each and every day of our lives. Typically, our happiness depends a great deal on how the interactions with every individual turns out. This is particularly true of people we care about.
However, because each and every personality we deal with is distinctive and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously study the process and impact of our connections. We can continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way.
I’ve realized that to have excellent management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our views, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead well-mannered and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of “I” messages.
In “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel, our concerns, and what actions of the other individual has led to the concerns. “You” messages focus on the other person and would normally lead the other party to become defensive unless the “you” message is a positive statement of the other person.
In a conflicting scenario, the “you” message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the main issues are pushed aside. The clear communication of the concern is often a great starting point for all parties to work out what can easily be done about it.
“I” messages are powerful because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker’s feelings may also lead to far more trust in the relationship. It shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and assume responsibility for his or her feelings.
Using “I” messages is always superior to “you” messages and is a more respectful way of communicating.
Usually, there are three parts to an “I” message:
“I feel (express your emotion) whenever you (describe the action that has an effect on you or relates to the feeling) mainly because (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling).”
The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.
Sometimes a fourth part may be added. This states our personal preference for what we would like to take place alternatively.
Examples of more “I” messages:
“I get really anxious when you raise your voice at me due to the fact it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not yell when we talk?”
“I’m so happy you are learning to cook because then I’ll know you are able to prepare your own meal when I’m unable to be home in time to cook.”
Using “I” messages may not come naturally to a lot of people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will start to like this dating and relating approach, especially when you start to experience the good result of better quality connections and more harmonious relationships.
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